A Deeper Insight- Domestic Violence

Religious teachings can serve as either a resource or a roadblock in addressing the issue of domestic violence. As religious communities, our responsibility is to minimize any barriers facing abused members of our congregations and maximize the resources that exist within our religious traditions.

The following quote by Reverend Al Miles frames the issue of domestic violence within the religious community, identifying complacency among many clergy with confronting abuse and the urgent need to address the problem as a pastoral duty.

“For the most part clergy have hindered rather than helped women break free from their abusive partners. Our apathy, denial, exhortations, ignorance, and misinterpretations of the Bible have added to women’s pain and suffering and placed them in even greater danger. The time is long overdue for us pastors to stop turning our backs on domestic violence and begin speaking out against this sin…We have a responsibility to preach and teach the biblical truths about God’s love, which binds women and men together as equals rather than ordering them in a hierarchy. As long as we refuse to fully carry out our pastoral duties, victims of domestic violence will continue to crumble emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually underneath the weight of brutality and scriptural misinterpretations, which no human deserves.”

– Rev. Al Miles
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know

Responding to Domestic Violence: Guidelines for Clergy

If you are a faith leader or member of a faith community interested in joining Communities of Faith, or if you desire more information and/or public education materials, please contact the TCFV Communications Team at 512.794.1133 or e-mail pac@tcfv.org.

RESPONDING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: GUIDELINES FOR PASTORS AND OTHER RELIGIOUS LEADERS WORKING WITH THE VICTIM

Remember the Goals:

1. SAFETY for the woman and children

2. ACCOUNTABILITY for the abuser

3. RESTORATION of individuals and, IF POSSIBLE, relationships OR MOURNING the loss of the relationships

DOs and DON’Ts with a battered woman

• DO believe her. Her description of the violence is only the tip of the iceberg.
• DO reassure her that this is not her fault, she doesn’t deserve this treatment, it is not God’s will for her.
• DO give her referral information; primary resources are battered women’s services or shelters and National Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
• DO support and respect her choices. Even if she is aware of the risks and chooses initially to return to the abuser, it is her choice. She has the most information about how to survive.
• DO encourage her to think about a safety plan: set aside some money; copies of important papers for her and children and a change of clothes hidden or in care of a friend if she decides to go to a shelter. Plan how to exit the house the next time the abuser is violent. Plan what to do about the children if they are at school; if they are asleep, etc. (This is both practical and helps her stay in touch with the reality of the abuser’s violence. Safety planning is a process that is ongoing.)
• DO protect her confidentiality. DO NOT give information about her or her whereabouts to the abuser or to others who might pass information on to the abuser. Do not discuss with the parish council/session/elders who might inadvertently pass information on to the abuser.
• DO help her with any religious concerns. If she is Christian, give her a copy of KEEPING THE FAITH: GUIDANCE FOR CHRISTIAN WOMEN FACING ABUSE. Refer to http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org for copies of this book and other helpful info.
• DO emphasize that the marriage covenant is broken by the violence from her partner. DO assure her of God’s love and presence, of your commitment to walk with her through this valley of the shadow of death.
• DO help her see that her partner’s violence has broken the marriage covenant and that God does not want her to remain in a situation where her life and the lives of her children are in danger.
• If she decides to separate and divorce, DO support her and help her to mourn the loss to herself and her children.
• DO pray with her. Ask God to give her the strength and courage she needs.
• DON’T minimize the danger to her. You can be a reality check. “From what you have told me, I am very much concerned for your safety . . .”
• DON’T tell her what to do. Give information and support.
• DON’T react with disbelief, disgust, or anger at what she tells you. But don’t react passively either. Let her know that you are concerned and that what the abuser has done to her is wrong and not deserved by her.
• DON’T blame her for his violence. If she is blaming herself, try to reframe: “I don’t care if you did have supper late or forget to water the lawn; that is no reason for him to be violent with you. This is his problem.”
• DON’T recommend couples counseling or approach her husband and ask for “his side of the story.” These actions will endanger her.
• DON’T recommend “marriage enrichment,” “mediation,” or a “communications workshop.” None of these will address the goals listed above.
• DON’T send her home with just a prayer and directive to submit to her husband, bring him to church, or be a better Christian wife.
• DON’T encourage her to forgive him and take him back.
• DO NOT encourage her dependence on you OR BECOME EMOTIONALLY OR SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH HER.
• DON’T do nothing.
• DO consult with colleagues in the wider community who may have expertise and be able to assist you in your response. Refer to http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org for resources.

RESPONDING TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: GUIDELINES FOR PASTORS AND OTHER RELIGIOUS LEADERS WORKING WITH THE ABUSIVE PARTNER

Remember the Goals:

1. SAFETY for the woman and children

2. ACCOUNTABILITY for the abuser

3. RESTORATION of individuals and, IF POSSIBLE, relationships OR MOURNING the loss of the relationships

DOs and DON’Ts with an abusive partner

• If he has been arrested, DO approach him and express your concern and support for him to be accountable and to deal with his violence.
• DON’T meet with him alone and in private. Meet in a public place or in the church with several other people around.
• DON’T approach him or let him know that you know about his violence unless a) you have the victim’s permission, b) she is aware that you plan to talk to him and c) you are certain that his partner is safely separated from him.
• DO address any religious rationalizations he may offer or questions he may have.
• DON’T allow him to use religious excuses for his behavior.
• DO name the violence as his problem, not hers. Tell him that only he can stop it; and you are willing to help.
• DO refer to a program which specifically addresses abusers.
• DO assess him for suicide or threats of homicide. DO warn the victim if he makes specific threats towards her.
• DON’T pursue couples’ counseling with him and his partner if you are aware that there is violence in the relationship.
• DON’T go to him to confirm the victim’s story.
• DON’T give him any information about his partner or her whereabouts.
• DON’T be taken in by his minimization, denial or lying about his violence. DON’T accept his blaming her or other rationalizations for his behavior.
• DON’T be taken in by his “conversion” experience. If it is genuine, it will be a tremendous resource as he proceeds with accountability. If it is phony, it is only another way to manipulate you and the system and maintain control of the process to avoid accountability.
• DON’T advocate for the abuser to avoid the legal consequences of his violence.
• DON’T provide a character witness for this purpose in any legal proceedings.
• DON’T forgive an abuser quickly and easily.
• DON’T confuse his remorse with true repentance.
• DON’T send him home with just a prayer. Work with others in the community to hold him accountable.
• DO pray with him. Ask God to help him stop his violence, repent and find a new way. DO assure him of your support in this endeavor.
• DO find ways to collaborate with community agencies and law enforcement to hold him accountable. For information addressing religion and abuse refer to www.faithtrustinstitute.org or contact FaithTrust Institute at (206) 634-1903.

How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused?

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.

Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.

Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.

Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.

Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.

If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.
Help him or her to develop a safety plan.

Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.

Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.

If you think your friend or family member may be abusive, click here to find out more.

Please call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to discuss your concerns and questions.

What Can Your Church Do?

10 ways your church can make a difference.
The religious communities provide a safe haven for women and families in need. In addition, they exhort society to share compassion and comfort with those afflicted by the tragedy of domestic violence. Leaders of the religious community have identified actions to create a unified response to violence against women.

1: Become a Safe Place. Make your church a safe place where victims of domestic violence can come for help. Display brochures and posters which include the telephone number of the domestic violence and sexual assault programs in your area. Publicize the National Domestic Violence Hotline number,  1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD).

2: Educate the Congregation. Provide ways for members of the congregation to learn as much as they can about domestic and sexual violence. Routinely include information in monthly newsletters, on bulletin boards, and in marriage preparation classes. Sponsor educational seminars.

3: Speak Out. Speak out about domestic violence and sexual assault from the pulpit. As a faith leader, you can have a powerful impact on people’s attitudes and beliefs.

4: Lead by Example. Volunteer to serve on the board of directors at the local domestic violence/sexual assault program or attend a training to become a crisis volunteer.

5: Offer Space. Offer meeting space for educational seminars or weekly support groups or serve as a supervised visitation site when parents need to safely visit their children.

6: Partner with Existing Resources. Include your local domestic violence or sexual assault program in donations and community service projects. Adopt a shelter for which your church provides material support, or provide similar support to families as they rebuild their lives following a shelter stay.

7: Prepare to be a Resource. Do the theological and scriptural homework necessary to better understand and respond to family violence and receive training from professionals in the fields of sexual and domestic violence.

8: Intervene. If you suspect violence is occurring in a relationship, speak to each member of the couple separately. Help the victim plan for safety. Let both individuals know of the community resources available to assist them. Do not attempt couples counseling.

9: Support Professional Training. Encourage and support training and education for clergy and lay leaders, hospital chaplains, and seminary students to increase awareness about sexual and domestic violence.

10: Address Internal Issues. Encourage continued efforts by religious institutions to address allegations of abuse by religious leaders to insure that religious leaders are a safe resource for victims and their children.

Adapted in part from the FaithTrust Institute. Used with permission.

Teen Relationships with Violence

This is not only about adults.
Unfortunately, adolescents in our communities are vulnerable to dating violence. The statistics are disturbing: 89 percent of teens say they have been in dating relationships, while 40 percent of teenage girls ages 14-17 report knowing someone their age who has been hurt or beaten by a boyfriend (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente, December 1995).

Research indicates that like adult domestic violence, females are the victims in most cases of teen violence (Levy, 1991; Foshee, 1996; Silverman, J. et al, 2001). Girls who experience dating violence are at increased risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior, pregnancy and suicide (Silverman, Raj, Mucci and Hathaway, 2001).

Though the consequences of dating violence are serious, it is often difficult for young people to recognize and respond to abuse within their intimate relationships. Even when abuse is recognized, teens may be reluctant to seek support and protection from adults, particularly because of their limited life experiences, rights and access to resources. The issue may be further complicated when teens feel that their dating relationships are disapproved of in their religious community.

Our responsibility as religious communities is to reach out to society’s most vulnerable members by acknowledging and addressing the issues surrounding teen relationships and dating violence.  For teens it is essential that they receive education and have discussions about healthy relationships and building peer support.  Note: Much of this text was adapted from the publication, Teen Dating Violence Information and Resources (2004) by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence.

Domestic Violence FAQ’s

Q: What is domestic violence?
A: Domestic violence refers to a pattern of violent and coercive behavior exercised by one adult in an intimate relationship over another. It is not “marital conflict,” “mutual abuse,” “a lovers’ quarrel,” or “a private family matter.” It may consist of repeated, severe beatings or more subtle forms of abuse, including threats and control.

Q: Who are the victims of domestic violence?
A: According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95% of domestic violence victims in America are women, although men may also be victims. Regardless of who is being victimized, domestic violence is a serious problem that needs to be addressed by religious communities.

Q: How prevalent is domestic violence?
A: Surveys from the U.S. and Canada indicate that domestic violence occurs in 28% of all marriages. Researchers believe this estimate is too low since most domestic violence incidents are unreported.

Q: What are the four basic types of domestic violence?
A: – Physical Assault Includes, shoving, pushing, restraining, hitting or kicking. Physical assaults may occur frequently or infrequently, but in many cases they tend to escalate in severity and frequency over time.
– Sexual Assault Any time one partner forces sexual acts that are unwanted or declined by the other partner.  – Psychological Assault Includes isolation from family and friends, forced financial dependence, verbal and emotional abuse, threats, intimidation and control over where the partner can go and what she can do.
– Attacks Against Property and Pets Destruction of property that may include household objects or treasured items belonging to the victim, hitting the walls, or abusing or killing beloved pets.

Q: How do I know if someone is a victim of domestic violence?
A: Among the more obvious signs of domestic violence is evidence of frequent bruises, broken bones and physical attacks. Often less obvious is emotional abuse, as evidenced by harassment, stalking and excessively possessive, controlling or jealous behavior, which are also signs of domestic violence.   Another warning sign is isolation: Victims of domestic violence are often cut off from systems of support by their batterers, becoming distant from friends, relatives or neighbors.  Women who are being battered are as different from each other as non-battered women. They come from all walks of life, all races, all educational backgrounds and all religions. A battered woman might be the vice-president of your local bank, your child’s Sunday school teacher, your beautician or dentist. Anyone experiencing any of the patterns of abuse listed above is a victim of domestic violence.

Q: Why does she stay?
A: She stays because she is terrified that he will become more violent if she leaves, that he will try to take the children, that she can’t make it on her own. He has probably threatened her life.  She may also believe that divorce is wrong, that the violence is her fault, that she can change his behavior, that she can stop the abuse or that the violence is temporary. She may also be experiencing pressure from family, and her religious or cultural community. Since batterers often isolate victims, she might feel cut off from any social support or resources.

Q: Who are batterers?
A: As with their victims, individuals who batter fall into no specific categories. They come from all class backgrounds, races, religions and walks of life. They may be unemployed or highly paid professionals. The batterer may be a good provider, a sober and upstanding member of the community, and a respected member of his congregation.

Q: What can I do to be helpful if an abusive situation is revealed?
A: Listen to the victim and believe her. Tell her that the abuse is not her fault, and is not God’s will. Tell her she is not alone and that help is available. Let her know that without intervention, abuse often escalates in frequency and severity over time.  Seek expert assistance. Refer her only to specialized domestic violence counseling programs, not to couples counseling. Help her find a shelter, a safe home or advocacy resources to offer her protection. Suggesting that she merely return home places her and her children in real danger. Hold the abuser accountable. Don’t minimize his abusive behavior. Support him in seeking specialized batterers’ counseling to help change his behavior. Continue to hold him accountable and to support and protect the victim even after he has begun a counseling program. If reconciliation is to occur, it can be considered only after the above steps have taken place.

Domestic Violence In Texas

According to the Texas Council on Family Violence Texans understand that domestic violence is a serious problem in our state. Texans’ awareness of domestic violence as a crime and their understanding that it is a serious issue that must be addressed is largely responsible for the increase in services available to victims. Yet Texans clearly understand that more can and should be done to help victims of domestic violence. In fact, 60 percent of respondents to our survey believe that Texas does not do enough to help survivors and their families.

Unfortunately, Texans demonstrate a willingness to blame domestic violence on circumstances beyond an abuser’s control, rather than acknowledge the abuser’s culpability. Also, a majority of Texans demonstrate a willingness to blame victims for being abused which limits the options available to those in abusive relationships. These barriers must be addressed in order for more victims of domestic violence to get the help they need, when they need it.
A vast majority (84 percent) of Texans believe that they can make a difference in efforts to end domestic violence. Already, many Texans are taking action to make that difference. More than half of all Texans report having donated time, money or goods to a local domestic violence program. Additionally, More than three-quarters of all Texans showed a willingness to vote for a candidate who has expressed an interest in helping victims of domestic violence.

The public must become acutely aware of the tragic consequences domestic violence has on our families, friends, workplaces and communities. They must rid themselves of many of the senseless misperceptions that exacerbate the barriers that block domestic violence survivors’ pathways to safety. Far too many Texans know someone who is a victim of domestic violence. We all must help these survivors find safety, receive justice and create opportunities for them to live the violence-free lives they deserve.

Domestic Violence- A Survivor’s Story

By Mrs. Marilyn Davis
My story has been one of abuse. I was beaten for years and did not know it was wrong. I lived years of my life a victim of domestic violence. It was the same thing over and over. Then I was educated on the way a woman is to be treated and I found out being beaten was unacceptable.

I had been drug down two flights of stairs and then hung over the balcony, screaming and crying. It seems when things like this happened no one was around. My abuser had control. That is what abusers really want.

I remember when the perpetrator broke my arm and I went to the hospital. No one cared until a policeman in the emergency room talked with me and told me this was wrong. But I would not press charges.

I just wanted to be loved but I was always looking for love in all the wrong places. I did not know I had to love and respect myself first then, my view of life would change. It has been years now but, it is still new to me every day.

I realized that my battle need to stop when a detective said to me, “Lady, this guy will kill you if do not leave him alone.” The detective addressed me as “lady” and I never knew that was what I was. This was a turning point in my life that also helped me to find Jesus and his love for me.

I learned that the Scripture says that Christ loves me unconditionally and forgave me. My faith journey to find out what a “lady” was began.

Today that journey continues with ex-offenders who abuse their spouses. Some do not realize how wrong it is. My past allows me to help them understand that what they are doing is wrong and how to journey out of that behavior.

Personally, the journey continues as my husband and I continue to work through differences peacefully. We know that we must keep the Holy Scriptures active in our lives.
If you would like to contact Marilyn her email is: nowaytotreatalady1@yahoo.com

NOTE: If you are in a situation of Domestic Violence or know someone who is click here to view resources available.